...ask Guzzi Earl!!
Continued...
Page 1 Page 2
7.28.08

> From: Paul and Dawn Schmidt <psch**@comcast.net>
> Subject: Gas Cap
> To: guzziwacko@guzzipower.com
> Date: Wednesday, July 30, 2008, 1:30 PM

> Earl:
>
> I have read your discussion about securing the gas cap from
> spinning.  My trouble is that the gas cap is very hard to
> turn with the key. I'm afraid the key is going to go
> by-bye some day.  It seems like I read something about
> dissasembling the cap to loosen it  for easier operation.
> What say you?
>
> Thanks in advance,
>
> Paul Schmidt

I USUALLY DRINK A CUP OF CASTOR OIL TEA TO LOOSEN ME UP. IT SEEMS TO WORK WELL IF I LET MY DIET SLIP AND EAT NOTHING BUT PORK BURRITOS AND DR. PEPPER FROM THE KWICK MART FOR BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER FOR FOUR OR FIVE DAYS IN A ROW. MMMMMM, BOY, BUT I LOVE THOSE PORK BURRITOS, BUT I WONDER WHICH PART OF THE PORK IT IS I’M EATING. OH, AND YOU CAN USE A SMALL BUNJEE CORD AS A CHIN STRAP TO KEEP THAT HAT FROM SPINNING ON YOUR HEAD. THIS WORKS REAL GOOD FOR ME, EVEN WHEN I’M UPSIDE DOWN IN MY GRAVITY MACHINE TRYING TO DIGEST MY SWANSON FROZEN DINNERS OR WATCHING THE CHANNEL 5 THREE’S COMPANY MARATHON.  

YOUR GUZZI FRIEND,
GUZZI EARL



--- On Tue, 7/29/08, spike manlike <smanlike@yahoo.com> wrote:

> From: spike manlike <**ke@yahoo.com>
> Subject: convert
> To: guzziwacko@guzzipower.com, guzziwacko@guzzipower.com
> Date: Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 12:07 PM
> hi ya hi ya hi ya


> hope all is well ,I was wondering  if you had suggestions
> for mods on a 76 convert for carb filter and the air intake
> ? I have a box stock bike but the filter and some of the air
Ø lines are dry rot  so thought i could update a little
Ø while i overhauled the carbs .thank spike manlike atl

I WOULD MODIFY THEM BY PUTTING PINWHEELS NEAR THE CARB INTAKES SO THAT WHEN YOU RIDE YOUR MOTORCYCLE , COLORFUL SHINY WHEELS SPIN ROUND AND ROUND AND MAKE A PRETTY PATTERN. THIS MAY HAVE SOME PERFORMANCE BENEFITS TOO AS THE PINWHEELS CAN MAKE YOUR INTAKE AIR MORE TURBULENT. DON’T BE SURPRISED WHEN YOU SEE THE NEW NASCARS RUNNING MY PINWHEELS AND THEN YOU CAN BUY THEM AT THE FRONT COUNTER OF AUTO ZONE FOR THE SMALL PRICE OF 2.99 EACH. OF COURSE, YOU HAVE TO BUY ONE FOR EACH CYLINDER, WHICH IS HOW I WILL MAKE ALL MY MONEY, HEH HEH. OH, AND IF YOU USE TWO PINWHELS, YOU WILL GET TWICE THE TURBULENCE AND TWICE THE POWER, SO BE CAREFUL WITH ALL THAT POWER BECAUSE IT CAN BE DANGEROUS!

YOUR PAL,
GUZZI EARL





From: Jeremy Sampson <JeremySampson@Brown**.com>
> Subject: Griso 1100
> To: guzziwacko@guzzipower.com
> Date: Monday, July 28, 2008, 1:39 AM
> Dear Guzzi Earl,

> I am the proud owner of a big red 1100 Griso, only 4 months
> old with around 1500 miles on the clock - I bought it privately off
> a guy in a mid-life crisis !
>

> It's fantastic, but when I squeeze the clutch lever in with the gearbox
> in neutral it sounds like a bag of spanners ! It doesn't seem to effect
> anything it just sounds bad. It gets a bit less spannerish as it gets warmer.
>
> I could take it to the dealer under the warranty but I wondered if this is normal ? !
>
> What do yer reckon ?
> Thanking you in anticipation.

> Cheers
> Jeremy
> England

I WOULD TALK TO YOUR MECHANIC AND SEE IF HE CAN TUNE IT SO THAT INSTEAD OF A BAG OF SPANNERS, IT SOUNDS LIKE THAT ONE REO SPEEDWAGON SONG THAT WAS REAL POPULAR BACK IN THE 1980’S. I USED TO LISTEN TO THAT WHEN I’D HANG AROUND THE YMCA’S LOUNGE AND HUSTLE PLAYERS AT THE PING PONG TABLE. I WAS REALLY INTO THAT LIFESTYLE BACK THEN AND I TRIED TO GET A JOB AS A LIFEGUARD. I EVEN SHOWED THE GUY WHO INTERVIEWED ME THAT I ALREADY SHAVED MY LEGS FOR THE STREAMLINED EFFECT. 

YOUR BUDDY,
GUZZI EARL
7.15.08
> From: Hans Schellekens <h.schellekens**ome.nl>
> Dear guzziearl,
>
> My name is Hans (from Holland) and I' am the owner of a California II for 23 >years.The last 20 years I  perform all the maintenance on my bike myself. No problems >until now. For the last 5 months my guzzi idling rmp is not stable. The left cylinder fails to fire every 5 to 10 seconds. No problem with the ignition or the sparkplug.When I >look with a special sparkplug into the cylinder I can see the coloration of the >ignition.Normal color is between light red  and light blue. But when it fails to fire it turn >dark red, indicating to much fuel. It looks like it gets every 5 to 10 seconds an extra >drop of fuel. With 1500 rpm or more there are no problems I checked the choke, fuel >level in the float - camber and all the seals. But nothing abnormal to be found. I also >replaced the fuel needle that shuts the fuel supply to the floater-camber. Still no success. >I hope you can help me, because my dealer has no answer for this problem. His reply: >buy new carburetors.
>
> Greetings,
>
Ø Hans Schellekens

HI, HANS. I HAVE A SPECIAL SPARKPLUG, TOO-I TOOK AN NGK BP6ES AND HOLLOWED IT OUT WITH MY HAND DRILL AND MADE A PIPE FOR SMOKIN TOBACCO. SOMETIMES I SMOKE A FEW PLUGS FULL WHEN I’M RELAXING ON MY RECLINING LAWN FURNITURE IN MY LIVING ROOM AND WATCHING RE-REUNS OF JEOPARDY AND EATING PORK RINDS. SOMETIMES AFTER THREE OR FOUR HOURS OF WATCHING ALEX TRABECK’S DELIGHTFUL PUZZLES AND WITTY BANTER, I SEE A BUNCH OF DAZZLING COLORS, TOO. I THINK I LIKE THE COLOR NAMED “BURNT UMBER” THE BEST, BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONE THAT I USE THE MOST WHEN I COLOR MY PORTRAITS OF FUZZY SQUIRRELS WEARING FESTIVE HATS DURING THE ART PERIOD IN MY REHABILITATION CLASS.

YOUR GUZZI BUDDY,
GUZZI EARL

> From: Joe Tondu <bo**one@centurytel.net>
>
> Earl,
> What do you recommend to seal up the exhaust pipe to
> crossover joint on
> my 07 Cal Vintage? The leaks are affecting my delicate
> tuning. I've  tightened the bastards down to near stripped out.
>
Ø Joe

HI, JOE. I HAVE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM ON GUZZI AND ON MY BATHROOM PLUMBING TOO. I USE A PROPRIETARY BLEND OF RTV SILICON, CHICKEN FAT AND PEANUT BUTTER, AND IT WORKS JUST DANDY. JUST SLOP IT ON THERE AND LET IT GEL UP AS THE ENGINE WARMS UP.  MMMMMM, BOY! IT ALSO SMELLS GOOD, TOO. (I’M GETTING HUNGRY FOR SOME OF MY WIFE’S FAMOUS “CHERRY POP TART CASSEROLE”!!) I’M GOING TO MARKET THIS CONCOCTION AS “GUZZI GUY GOOP”, AND MY DREAM IS TO HAVE IT AT THE CHECK OUT COUNTER AT AUTO PARTS STORES, TRUCK STOPS, AND ARMY-NAVY STORES WORLDWIDE, NEXT TO THE BREATH MINTS. MAYBE YOU WILL BE INCLINED TO TRY MY NEW PRODUCT WHEN YOU STEP UP THE COUNTER AFTER BUYING A NEW EXHAUST PIPE, CROSSBOW, OR CAMOFLAGED ELASTIC SUSPENDERS. 

YOUR PAL,
GUZZI EARL

> From: daniel kolasa <dank**101@yahoo.com>

> Date: Friday, July 18, 2008, 8:43 AM
> All right Earl, Im giving you a try because I know you have
> an answer.  Im new to motorcycle maintenance.  Im also a
> college student who is too poor to pay someone for advice
> or service.  Nothing is really broken but just sounds like
> it may be later at a later time.  I ride a ridiculously
> awesome 03' V11 Sport.  It's the best thing I have
> ever ridden and Im never getting rid of it, so I need to
> maintain it myself!!!!!  My question is about the valves
> tapping/ making noise. I first though it had to be a loose
> piece of exhaust, now I think its the valve slapping the
> seat.... I have set the valve taps to the specific
> measurements (Intake .10MM, exhaust .15MM).  Originally,
> before I made this adjustment I just lived with the
> problem,  I started reading Guzziology and that did not
> offer much info except to teach me that if the gaps are
> larger it will be noisy and smaller ill burn the valves cuz
> the wont close completely.  So I adjusted them, they were
> wider then specified and now the noise is not as frequent.  It
> only occurs when I put the engine under higher stress, such
> as full throttle on the highway or hard acc. from stop
> lights.  Is there anything I have overlooked, should I
> measure something else to check for wear.  The bike Has 7K
> miles on it.  I got it last year with 1500 miles on it and
> believe that the previous owner did not adjusted the taps.
> I hope you can help me. 
>
> Thank you
Ø Daniel K

HI, DANIEL. THAT REMINDS ME OF A STORY. SOME LOUDMOUTH GUY IN A BAR IN NEVADA CALLED MY SECOND WIFE (WELL, SHE’S THE SAME PERSON AS MY FIRST WIFE, ACTUALLY) A LOOSE PIECE OF EXHAUST ONCE, AND I CHALLENGED HIM TO A HOT DOG EATING CONTEST BECAUSE THEM IS FIGHTING WORDS WHERE I COME FROM. TURNS OUT THAT HE WASN’T SUCH A BIG TOUGH GUY ONCE HE HAD 20 OR 30 HOT DOGS IN HIM, AND HE APOLOGIZED TO MY WIFE AND ME AS WE DROVE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL. WE ALL EMBRACED AND SHED A FEW TEARS AND LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON THAT DAY, JUST LIKE THE HALMARK CARD THAT I SENT TO HIM AFTERWARDS. THAT STORY HAD A HAPPY ENDING, YES SIR. I HOPE YOURS HAS A HAPPY ENDING, TOO.

YOUR BUD,
GUZZI EARL
--- Stefan Mazur <ms**@execpc.com> wrote:

> Hi
> Have 75 850T. Need to replace male wiring terminals on Directional Headlight/Strarter switches. Would like to use >original Molex connecter. Are these available?
> Thanks for your response
> Steve

I WILL HAVE TO CHECK WITH MY BUDDIE RONNIE DOWN AT THE HAM RADIO SUPPLY STORE. HE KEEPS A BOX A THEM ROLEX CONNECTORS UNDER THE COUNTER NEXT TO HIS DAILY HAM AND MAYONNAISE SANDWICH AND HIS TOENAIL CLIPPING COLLECTION. . I HAVE SENT MANY GUZZI GUYS DOWN TO SEE RONNIE AND HE HAS BEEN GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE BUSINESS.  RONNIE IS A REAL FUN GUY AT PARTIES. ESPECIALLY IF HE HAS ONE TOO MANY WILD TURKEY AND 7 UPS AND HE TAKES HIS LEG OFF.

YOUR PAL,
GUZZI EARL


--- jordan grant <gra**@optonline.net> wrote:

> Hi Guzzi Earle!! I'll tell ya right up front,you can go right ahead and let fly with the comedic insults and ridiculing >comments, because I'm used to em.Been married twice(and 1/2) times and I'd be interested in hearing what you've go >to say that I havent heard before...here goes

>      I've got 5 guzzi's.three LeMans series 1 and two 1991 1000S's.They are all low mileage bikes that have been kept >up.Adult owned and maintained.I would like to change the exhaust on the 1000S to "something"after market.Something >with a little more exhaust note. Do you have any info for me on that.Last question,Do all LeMans series one VIN begin >with VE?.Two of mine start with VE but one does not. If its not a true LM thats OK because it was done very well and >would be tough to tell the difference (except for the VIN).One more. Do you know the production runs on both of these >models?. Thanks for any help. I've been rollin on the floor reading some of your answers.(looking forward to mine)

HI, JORDAN GRANTE. I ALSO HAVE BEEN MARRIED TWO AND A HALF TIMES. THE FIRST TWO TIMES WERE ROUGH, BUT I THINK GRETTA AND I ARE WORKIN THINGS OUT AFTER OUR THIRD TIME AT THE ALTAR TOGETHER. VE IS MUCH BETTER THAN VD, LEMME TELL YOU. I CAUGHT THAT ONCE ON A TOILET SEAT AT THE BUS STATION. I MUST HAVE BEEN SITTING THERE A LITTLE TOO LONG, YA SEE , I HAD A LOT OF TIME TO KILL BEFORE MY BUS SHOWED UP, AND I GOT REALLY WRAPPED UP READING  A FIELD AND STREAM ARTICLE AND EATING MY BALONEY SANDWICH. I ALSO ONCE HAD THE PRODUCTION RUNS A COUPLE A DAYS FROM EATING AT THE TRUCK STOP FOOD COURT. I SHOULDA KNOWN BETTER, BUT I'M A SUCKER FOR DEEP FRIED KEILBASA ON A STICK. I GUARANTEE THAT EATING AT THE TRUCK STOP FOOD COURT, ESPECIALLY THAT COUNTER THAT SELLS DEEP FRIED PIZZA WILL GIVE YOU AN EXHAUST NOTE LIKE A TUGBOAT FOGHORN.

YOUR GUZZI BUDDY,
GUZZI EARL

--- henk krijnen <h.w**@freeler.nl> wrote:

> Best reader,
>
> I am planning a trip in USA. I normaly live in Holland, Europe. I own a ’99
> V11 Basa stationed in Florida at my sisters. I have been on the road a
> couple of years ago. Went to Toronto and back in 2 ½ weeks. Now I have just
> over 3 weeks but still don’t know where to go. Hope to be able to go up and
> down Las Vegas/Texas/Colorado River etc. My holiday starts beginning of July
> till end of July. Is there any meeting/camping/rally ore something like that
> during that period?
>
> Kind regards,
> Henk Krijnen

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU PICK UP A BOOK THAT MY BUDDY GARY "PICKLES" KULPEPER WROTE CALLED "SWAP MEETS ACROSS AMERICA". THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU A NICE ROUTE TO TRAVEL. I KNEW A GUY WHO WENT TO EVERY CRACKER BARREL ACROSS THE US, TOO. I WISH I HAD ALL THAT TIME OFF WORK AT THE KWICK MART, BUT O GOTTA LOTTA RESPONSIBILITIES SINCE I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO WORK THE LOTTERY MACHINE AND THE SLURPEE MACHINE.

YOUR FRIEND,
GUZZI EARL

--- dennis moxley <dmo**@polyplex.com> wrote:

> Hey eARl Just bought the California Viontage from a guy it had 147 miles on
> it and he has had it since January. I bought it in Orlando and drove it back
> to Louisville. The next day it wouldn't start so I charged the battery and
> took off. Twenty miles down the road it died I had it jumped twice and
> finally got it home. My question is : This bike has 1096 miles on it and the
> is a clicking noise like a celunoid , the horn makes random toots like it
> could be electrical or could this be an alternater. I can't seem to find the
> number for MotoGuzzi on the web  either

YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. I RECOMMEND REPLACING ALL THE BLACK WIRES IN YOUR BIKE WITH RED ONES. I THINK I READ IN THE GUZZI TIPS BOOK THAT WILL GIVE YOU MORE CURRENT TO YOUR RELAYS BECAUSE THERE IS LESS BLACK BODY RADIATION FROM THE RED WIRES.  THAT’S A GOOD IDEA. CALL UP MOTO GUZZI AND TELL THEM THAT GUZZI EARL SENT YOU. I GOTTA GO PLAY 1096 BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD LOTTERY NUMBER.

YOUR PAL,
GUZZI EARL
4.15.08
2.15.08
Hi there Guzzi Earl,

I've got a Moto Guzzi engine, and all I know about it is that it's an 850 and possibly an Eldorado. I have the VIN which is VP - 058628 and I'm trying to find someplace where I can look up all the information about the engine I possibly can before I rebuild it. Do you know where I can look to get this information? Do you possibly have it? This is going to be my first real bike and I want to do it right.Thanks -

xo,
Alexandra


I HAD THE YOUNG FELLA DOWN AT PEP BOYS LOOK UP YOUR VIN ON HIS COMPUTER AND IT SAYS THAT YOUR ENGINE IS ACTUALLY A DELUXE 8 TRACK RADIO FOR A 1979 FORD PINTO, SO I THINK YOU MAY HAVE GOTTEN HOODWINKED BY THE SELLER. I BOUGHT A REFRIGERATOR FROM A GUY IN THE PARKING LOT OF ARBY'S ONCE AND WHEN I GOT HOME AND OPENED THE BOX, IT WAS ACTUALLY A SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS AND A WINK MARTENDALE FAN CLUB TSHIRT. CAVEAT EMPANADA!

YOUR PAL,
GUZZI EARL
1.12.08
--- Bob Gilligan <b***n@alltel.net> wrote:

> Hi, Earl - I'm not a Guzzi owner yet.  Sort of getting weened off BMWs, except for the old R100GS, by a new >Triumph Bonneville.  Here's my question (about the Guzzi engine)  What is the firing timing?  The Bonnie with >360 degree crank is every 360 degrees, of course. I think the Triumphs with 270 degree cranks fire at 270 and >450 (total of> 720)
>
> It's a curiosity thing, and I cannot find any info on this tech topic after
> browsing the web for half an hour.
>
> There is no rush with your reply.
>
> Thanks
>
> Bob Gilligan
>
> Hudson, Ohio
>

THE FIRING ORDER IS LEFT THEN RIGHT. OH, WAIT. MAYBE IT’S RIGHT THEN LEFT. I FORGET. I’LL HAVE TO ASK MORT DOWN AT THE 76 STATION. HE WROTE THAT  DOWN ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER IMPORTANT MAINTENNENCE INFORMATION UP AT THE FRONT COUNTER  ON THE BACK OF THE CARDBOARD SLIM JIM DISPLAY. I HOPE NOONE BUYS THE LAST SLIM JIM, BECAUSE WE’D LOSE A LOT OF GUZZI KNOWLEDGE FOR SURE.GLAD TO MEET YOU. I KNOW LOTS OF WEENS WITH BMW'S.

YOUR PAL,
GUZZI EARL
10.12.07 Guzzi Earl Discovers Ebay!
10.12.07

--- Tom Fraser <thfraser@g**l.com> wrote:
> eARL,
> You are the motherload of information and I'm hoping you can address an
> issue that I'm having.  I've been riding my Norge around with my girl on the
> back.  We keep stoping at yard sales/garage sales, etc... I keep running out
> of room with my panniers that came stock.  I'm also tired of looking like
> beverly hillbillies after a few stops.  Do you have any suggestions on what
> I can do to increase the storage capacity of my Norge?  Also, when we are
> loaded up, the rear shock spring doesn't support the load that well.  Any
> ideas on where I can get a stronger rear shock spring?
>
> Thanks,
>
> Tommmy Noname

THAT'S FUNNY THAT YOU MENTION IT BECAUSE I BOUGHT MY WIFE A NEW SET OF PANNIERS AND SHE HAS BEEN MAKING ME EGGS AND BACON WITH THEM FOR BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING. SHE IS A GOOD COOK AND KNOWS MANY RECIPIES FOR SANDWICHES AND HASH BROWNS. I FIND ALL KINDS OF GOOD THINGS AT GARAGE SALES, TOO, IN FACT, I BOUGHT A KIDNEY DIALYSIS MACHINE AT ONE FOR MY AUNT GERDA. IT WAS A COUPLE OF YEARS OLD, BUT IT SAVED US A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY ON THIS MEDICAL TREATMENT. I FIXED IT UP AND NOW IT RUNS AT DOUBLE SPEED AND AUNT GERDA CAN GET DONE IN NO TIME AND GET BACK TO SELLING COLLECTABLE THIMBLES AND TENNIS SHOES ON EBAY. KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED ON GUZZITECH AS I WILL BE SELLING MY INGENIOUS MOTORCYCLE PACKING SYSTEM IN KIT FORM AS SOON AS THE PATENTS GO THROUGH. IT WOULD COME WITH ALL NUTS AND BOLTS AND BRACKETS AND ALL YOU WOULD HAVE TO DO IS ADD THE THREE MILK CRATES.

GOOD LUCK,
GUZZI EARL
10.6.07
--- Stefan Mazur <mshrm@e**pc.com> wrote:
> HI
>   Where can I buy   in tank fuel filter #14106200 for 850T Moto Guzzi, 1975
> Appreciate your help
> REgards
> Steve
>

I SUGGEST THAT YOU LOOK AT YOUR LOCAL SEVEN ELEVEN CONVENIENT STORE IN THE AUTOMOTIVE SECTION. ASK THE CLERK. THEY ARE ALWAYS MORE THAN HELPFUL. OR YOU CAN CHECK WITH THE GUY WHO SELLS AUTO PARTS AND SHOES AT THE LOCAL SWAP MEET. I'M SURE THAT HE WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO HELP YOU FIND THAT PART. OTHERWISE, YOU MAY HAVE TO GO TO AN ACTUAL GUZZI DEALER.

You're WElcome.
GUZZI EARL




--- Jim Nichols <jimcb750@y**o.com> wrote:

> My 2002 Stone cannot see at night. The highbeam
> indicator illuminates without the headlight coming on,
> then with out prompting all is well, sometimes! Have
> you heard of this befor, or is it lights out for me?
Ø Thank You, Jim Nichols.

I WOULD RECOMMEND PERSCRIPTION LENSES OR AT LEAST START EATING CARROTS, BECAUSE YOU NEVER SEE A RABBIT WEARING GLASSES, NOW DO YOU? LIGHTS OUT! POKE POKE POKE YOUR EYES OUT!

GUZZI EARL

--- John Jenkinson <john.jenkinson@bo**int.com> wrote:

> Hi  Wacko

> This from the u/k and my question is very easy for you (I think) how to
> change the air filter as I have jst bought this black and silver 1999
> 1100 Guzzi recently and I tried but stopped short when I looked at the
> fuel switch, does it really have to come off as I don't like stripping
> out anything on the fuel side as fuel leaks usually follow.
Ø John Jenkinson
I DID A STRIP TEASE ONCE FOR MY THIRD WIFE, VELMA. SHE GOT SO EXCITED THAT SHE SLEPT WITH HER TEETH IN. I WOULD DEFINITELY MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE FUEL IN THE BIKE BEFORE RIDNG IT. YES, SIR.  AND DON'T LET YOUR HEIGHT LIMITATIONS GET IN THE WAY OF TRUE LOVE. SHORTNESS SHOULDN'T STOP YOU FROM MEETING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.

GUZZI EARL

--- Bill Lake <blake@winli**up.com> wrote:

> Hi
> Don't know if you can answer this but here goes.
>
> Bought a new breva in Huston and brought it back to Canada with me. Went to
> get it registered and was told it is not on a list of eligible imports and
> has to be exported back to the states. Their reasoning was that Guzzi make
> an American model and a Canadian model and the American model is not allowed
> here. I put this question to Guzzi and met a firewall that I haven't been
> able to penetrate meanwhile no can drive my new bike. Any suggestions would
> be greatly appreciated.
>
> Thanks

> Bill Lake

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOIR DUDLEY DO-RIGHT AND HIS HORSE…AH, I FORGET THE HORSE'S NAME. I SUGGEST MARCHING INTO THE AMERICAN CONSULATE AND DEMANDING ASYLUM FOR YOUR GUZZI. THEN CALL THE MEDIA AND AL SHARPTON AND STAGE A PROTEST OR MAYBE JUST MOVE TO NORTH DAKOTA OR SOMEWHERE EQUALLY COLD AND MAYBE YOU WILL FEEL RIGHT AT HOME. I DUNNO. INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS IS NOT ONE OF MY STRONG AREAS.

GUZZI EARL

--- Barry Lund <cptlund@co**t.net> wrote:

> What is the exterior dimentions to the motoguzzi fram hoops?
>
> I'm trying to find out if other luggage bags will fit on them if I were to by
> the stock brackets.
>
> Thanks
>
Ø cptlund@comcast.net
THE FRAM HOOPS THAT MY HONEY WEARS ARE 5 INCHES IN DIAMETER AND GOLD PLATED, 14K, BECAUSE THE 24 KARAT ONES WAS $35 MORE AT WAL MART, AND SHE ONLY WEARS THEM WHEN WE GO OUT DANCIN AT THE TRUCK STOP BAR. NO SENSE IN WASTING MONEY UNNECCESARILY. I ALSO SUGGEST A NICE 50/50 BLEND SKIRT AND SOME NICE EYE MAKEUP ALONG WITH PANTY HOSE. THAT MAKES MY LADY LOOK REALNICE, AND IT MIGHT WORK FOR YOURS, TOO….OR MAYBE YOU WERE ASKING FOR YOURSELF, WHICH IS OK WITH ME. I GOT NOTHING AGAINST THE HOMOSEXUALS.

YOUR BUDDY,
GUZZI EARL


--- tony kramel <tkhondaman@y**oo.com> wrote:

> got trouble got a 750 ambasador and floats sunk so got new ones got them
> close idles fine and up to 50 is fine go 60 or so and in 3 miles or so one
> side doesnt run pull over and sit some then goes ok for 3 more miles took
> bottom of boul nut off and carb get fuel just not at high speed for long help
> oh did clean all in side just cant find answer and want to hit hiway soon and
Ø do better than 50 HELP TONY

HOLEY MOLEY BUT THAT IS QUITE A RUN ON SENTENCE. MAYBE YOU AND ME HAD THE SAME GRAMMAR TEACHER. MRS LIPSCHITZ. I THINK SHE USED TO HIT THE BOTTLE PRETTY HARD, AND SHE HAD BREATH THAT COULD KILL A HIPPO AT 50 PACES. ANYWAY, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR GUZZI IS BROKE, SO  I'LL SEE IF MY BUDDY LARRY DOWN AT THE CAR WASH WILL TAKE A LOOK AT IT FOR YOU. LARRY AINT BEEN THE SAME SINCE HE STARTED HUFFIN EZ-OFF OVEN CLEANER, BUT HE WAS A GOOD MECHANIC BACK A BIT. I'LL SEE IF LARRY CAN COME OVER TO LOOK AT IT. JUST DON'T LEND HIM AND MONEY OR LET HIM BORROW ANY OF YOUR GUNS. TRUST ME ON THAT ONE.

GUZZI EARL

--- Bill Hunter <william.hunter7@nt**rld.com> wrote:
> Hi there I hope you can help me Iv a moto guzzi Mille GT which was imported,
> Iv been on the web to find my year of manufacture  my frame no on the bike
> is DGM 51439 OM but Iv been told that it will start with VT 24596. But as
> my has a completely different no. Any way can you tell what year it is as my
> log book only gaves reg in UK which was 1991. regards Bill Hunter.

MAYBE YOUR MACHINE WAS A ONE OFF CUSTOM MADE FACTORY SPECIAL BIKE AND YOU CAN PUT IT ON EBAY AND SELL IT FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS, I'D BUY IT. NO, WAIT, I'D PROBABLY BUY A NEW TRAILER WITH A SWIMMING POOL ON THE ROOF AND A HOVERCRAFT HOT TUB AND A POND FULL OF LIME SHERBET FIRST. SORRY.
 
GUZZI EARL
--- Bob Cowgill <bcusmcsemperfi@ya**.com> wrote:

> Hey Guzziwacko please help me.  I need, would like to find a place to get a
> kick stand & a speedo cable for my 1987 SP ll, thx.

> SEMPER FI BOB COWGILL.

I WOULD LOOK IN THE NEWSPAPER UNDER THE CLASSIFIED ADS OR MAYBE LOOK IN THE LOBBY OF YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET. THERE ARE SOMETIMES ADS IN THES PLACES. ALSO TRY ASKING AROUND AT YOUR LOCAL YMCA OR ASK YOUR KIDS' GRADE SCHOOL TEACHER. MAYBE DRIVE AROUDN TOWN AND LOOK FOR YARD SALE SIGNS AT MAJOR INTERSECTIONS AND ASK AROUDN TO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND ANY IN THESE PLACES. OH, AND YOU CAN ALSO TRY A MOTO GUZZI DEALER, TOO.

GUZZI EARL
6.6.07

--- Brian Doherty <brian8**@webtv.net> wrote:

>       GW, just broke a shifter return spring, put a new one in. From
> nuetral up to 1st and down to second, its cool. 3 and 4 will go too if I
> lift the footshifter a little to get it to ratchet. On centerstand, I am
> doing this while moveing the rear wheel around so dogs will line up.
> Seems the shifter will not return on its own far enough to make the
> palls drop for 3 and 4. [I can hear 'em drop when I lift shifter]  Tried
> adjuster in every position, it seems. I'm stumped. Any ideas?.
> thanks, Brian
>

DON’T DROP YOUR PALLS! THIS IS A COMMON MISTAKE MADE BY MANY MECHANICS. IT CAN RESULT IN STRESS BOGGLING AND INTERRUPTION OF YOUR FORWARD PROGRESS. I ONCE DROPPED A SET OF EM IN MY DRIVEWAY IN NOVEMBER, AND COULDN’T FIND THEM UNTIL THE SNOW THAWED FOUR MONTHS LATER. I ALSO FOUND MY SET OF BARRY MANILOW COLLECTOR PLATES OUT THERE BECAUSE MY CRAZY FOOL SISTER WAS JUGGLING THEM OUT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF JANUARY! SHE HASN’T BEEN THE SAME SINCE HER AND HER EX-HUSBAND (ALSO NAMED EARL) BROKE UP WHEN HE MET THAT WOMAN AT THE TRUCK STOP DONUT BAR. I OCCASIONALLY DO THE FOOTSHIFTER, THE MASHED POTATO AND THE FOXTROT DOWN AT THE VFW HALL AFTER I’VE HAD A FEW TOO MANY HIGHBALLS, SO I KNOW WHERE YOU’RE COMING FROM.

HAPPY GUZZI TRAILS,
GUZZI EARL

--- Wendy Fleming <wendy@flemingw.fre**.co.uk> wrote:

> Dear guzziwacko,
> I wonder if you can help me with a rather tricky problem. I have a 1979 V-50
> and the charging system will only work on a flat battery as soon as some
> charge reaches the battery after a few miles hte red light comes on and the
> system ceases to charge. look forward to your reply.
> Thanks
> Ron Fleming

RON, AKA WENDY,
THAT’S A TRICKY ONE. JUST LIKE THAT RUN-DMC SONG. IT’S TRICKY TRICK TRICKY. I SUGGEST USING ROUND BATTERIES INSTEAD OF THE FLAT ONES. THAT MAY BE YOUR PROBLEM. I HAVE THE NUMBER OF A GOOD COUNSELOR, TOO, FOR YOUR GENDER CONFUSION PROBLEM. SHE OPERATES OUT OF A STALL DOWN AT THE TRUCK STOP, AND SHE HAS DEGREES FROM TWO DIFFERENT ONLINE PSYCHOLOGY COLLEGES, SO YOU WONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ONGOING PSYCHIC AGGRAVATION WHEN YOU LEAVE HER OFFICE. SHE ALSO WILL TELL YOUR FUTURE FOR THIRTY DOLLARS BY READING THE BUMPS ON YOUR TONGUE

YOUR GUZZI BUDDY,
GUZZI EARL

--- Ck**td@aol.com wrote:

> Hello, I have a 98 1100i cali, 36K. I have only done a few hundred miles 
> since buying this bike but it started jumping out of 5th, and now two days
> later 
> (and only a few miles) it wont go in 5th at all. Help, is there a quick fix,
> is  this a common problem and whats the solution please??
> Thanks
> Charlie.


I WOULD SUGGEST GOING BACK TO THE SELLER AND ASKING HIM TO REFUND 1/5 OF YOUR MONEY SINCE THAT’S ALL THE BIKE WILL DO. IF THAT FAILS, I WOULD WRITE A LETTER TO DR PHIL AND MAYBE YOU TWO CAN APPEAR ON HIS SHOW AND WORK TO SOME MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING AND THE AUDIENCE WILL CLAP AND THEY WILL SHOW A CLOSE OF UP A FAT GIRL IN THE AUDIENCE WITH A TEAR ROLLING DOWN HER CHEEK AT THAT POINT. YEAH, I LOVE DR PHIL.

YOUR GUZZI PAL,
GUZZI EARL
6.1.07
--- Keith Trudell <trudytru**@yahoo.com> wrote:

> Hello, Guzzi Earl
>
> I have a 2005 Breva 750 and I want to do some upgrades.  I've been trying  to find a K&N replacement but K&N doesn't make one >for the Breva.  Is there a car filter that K&N makes that will fit, or do I have to eliminate the air box? I've read allot of what other >people have done, but I can't find much on the 750 Breva. What do you suggest?  

I LOVE TO USE CAR PARTS ON MY GUZZI CONVERT. I HAVE CUPHOLDERS, MUDFGLAPS WITH NAKED WOMMEN AND A CHERRY FLAVORED AIR FRESHENER ON IT, ALL OF WHICH I GOT FROM MY LOCAL TARGET AUTO PARTS DEPARTMENT. I ASKED AT THE SERVICE DESK AT TARGET FOR YOUR K&N FILTER BUT THE GIRL THERE WAS TOO BUSY TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE TO HER MANS AND EATING A CORN DOG TO BE OF HELP. I SUGGEST THAT YOU ASK AT YOUR LOCAL TARGET STORE OR MAYBE MAKE YOUR OWN AIR FILTERS WITH A PIECE OF PVC PIPE AND AN OLD PAIR OF NYLON STOCKINGS. I ELIMINATED THE AIR BOX DURING MY FIRST DIVORCE.  THE AIR BOX ENDED UP WITH MY FORD PINTO AND MY COLLECTION OF CLOWN PAINTINGS. I SURE DO MISS THAT PINTO.

BEST WISHES,
GUZZI EARL
--- Peter Figueroa <elcid@us.**.com> wrote:
> I want the classic look for my Griso...And the most noise. Can you help me find that combination?
>
> Regards,
> Peter Figuero

The Wacko Responds:
THAT'S AN EASY ONE. I SUGGEST REMOVING THE EXHAUST SYSTEM COMPLETELY.
YOUR FRIEND,
GUZZI EARL
4.17.07
Geoff and Mida Williams <geoffandmida@**.co.nz> wrote:
> Greetings Guzzi Earl
>
> I am sure I read somewhere that a clutch from a Fiat 124 would go into my 78 Le Mans. is this true or just a >rumour spread by all those conspiracy theorists. if the clutch does fit from which particular model of 124 and do
> you have any part numbers?
>
> Geoff Williams
> Manawatu
> New Zealand

YES, THE 78 LEMANS PERFORMS MUCH BETTER WITH THE FIAT 124 DEVICE INSTALLED. THIS COMPELTELY ELIMINATES THE UNWANTED TENDENCY FOR THE BIKE TO ACCELERATE. I USED A SIMILAR CONVERSION IN A GUZZI TRIKE THAT I BUILD IN 1983 TO TRAVEL TO XANADU PREMIERS ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND IT WAS A GREAT SUCCESS. I ALSO SUGGEST FITTING AIR HORNS AND A CHROME GUN RACK AND THE PART # IS 5318008.

BEST WISHES,
GUZZI EARL

--- odys <odyse_k@t**n.pl> wrote:
> Hi
> I'm looking for workshop manual for Guzzi v65 Florida 1986.
>
> regards
> MirekP

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR? KETCHUP FLAVORED ICE CREAM. I HAVE USED THIS CONDIMENT ON MY SHRIMP COCTAIL APPETIZER AT RED LOBSTER, ON MY STEAK THAT IS MY MAIN COURSE, AND I HAVE MIXED IT WITH OLIVE OIL ON MY SALAD BUT I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO WORK IT INTO MY DESSERT. I'LL LOOK FOR THAT SHOP MANUAL UNDER MY MATTRESS WHERE I KEEP ALL MY REFERENCE MATERIALS IF YOU WILL PLEASE KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THIS CREAMY KETCHUP DESSERT DELIGHT.

YOURS,
GUZZI EARL
3.20.07
--- ridetoeat@***.net wrote:

> Hell-o Mr, Wacko
>
> I have a 1984 V65C that I am customising. I plan to finish it in bobber style. My problem is I can't remove the swing arm nuts and or allen screws that are there. I was having trouble with second gear when it was my daily driver.
>
> I was going to take the gear box over to Spare parts in Philly, but don't want to drag the whole rear end. I've read and re-read the guzzi tech book. It simply states remove nut and screw.
>
> I even fabricated my own tools to remove the large nut to remove the clutch housing.
>
> Also, is there somewhere I can purchase the complete tool set other than brand new.
>
> I really like the V65. I would like to do a couple more,but must have the proper tools.
>
> Phil

The Wacko responds:

IN MY EXPERIENCE, REMOVING NUTS DEPENDS ON THE SPECIES OF ANIMAL AND HOW FRIENDLY YOU WANT THE ANIMAL TO BE TOWARD YOU WHEN YOU’RE ALL DONE. MY ROTWIELLER “FLUFFY” TOOK A SERIOUS DISLIKING TO ME AFTER THE OPERATION AND HAS WRITTEN THE WORD “REVENGE” IN CURSIVE DOG PEE PEE ON MY LIVING ROOM RUG ON THREE SEPARATE OCCASIONS NOW. I CALLED THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL AND FOX NEWS ABOUT THIS, BUT THEY SAID THAT THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED IN URINE STORIES.

I THINK MY BUDDY GUZZI NORMAN HAS A SET OF TOOLS FOR SMALLBLOCKS. I’LL HAVE TO CALL DOWN TO THE SELF STORAGE CENTER AND SEE IF THEY CAN FIND HIM. HE WAS WORKING AT HIS SHOE REPAIR AND DATING SERVICE BUSINESS OUT OF A STALL IN THE TRUCK STOP, BUT MOVED TO A STORAGE SPACE BECAUSE OF THE BETTER LOCATION AND MORE PLEASANT AMBIENCE. THERE IS ALSO A SEVEN ELEVEN AROUND THE CORNER THAT SELLS THE JOLT SLURPEES THAT HE LOVES SO MUCH.

GUZZI EARL
--- Blake Hoskins <Blake.Hoskins@g**d.com> wrote:

> Is there any reason I can't use my vetter fairing mounting brackets from a '76 T3 on my 2003 EV? 

> Thanks!!
> Blake



The Wacko responds:

AAAAAH. A MAN WHO SHARES MY OWN REFINED TASTES FOR THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE: RERUNS OF “MAUDE”, TOOTSIE ROLL MILKSHAKES, IRON CITY BEER, AND THE FINEST EXAMPLE OF MOTORCYCLE DESIGN EVER MADE: THE WINDJAMMER FAIRING. MY DELUXE WINDJAMMER ON MY 850T HAS THE FACTORY OPTIONAL 8 TRACK PLAYER SO THAT I CAN LISTEN TO HERB ALBERT AND TED NUGENT DOUBLE LIVE GONZO WHN I RIDE DOWN THE ROAD. IT ALSO HAS THE FACTORY OPTIONAL CIGAR LIGHTER, MAP LIGHT, TOWEL/GUN RACK, BOOT POLISHER, SOAP DISH AND AMMO STORAGE. IF IT WERE UP TO ME, ALL NEW MOTORCYCLES WOULD BE SOLD WITH A WINDJAMMER FAIRING AS OEM EQUIPMENT.  I ALSO THINK THAT ANNA NICOLE WAS MURDERED, AND THAT RICHARD NIXON WAS FRAMED, AND THAT THEY SHOULD LET THE DARN HOMOS SERVE IN THE NAVY, JUST LIKE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE SONG

GUZZI EARL
1.24.07
--- Graham Cheney <gnwcheney_051056@hotmail.com> wrote:

> Hi
>
> I wonder if you can help, my Cali 1100i keeps stopping once the engine gets hot, I have  replaced the fuel and air filters and am a loss to know what to do next. Could this be a > fauulty oil/air sensor causing problems?
> Hope you can help
>
> Graham
>

SINCE YOUR ENGINE ONLY STOPS WHEN IT IS HOT, I WOULD SEEK TO ELIMINATE THIS CONDITION FROM YOUR MOTORCYCLE. PURCHASE SOME ICE CUBES AND MAYBE A FEW KLONDIKE BARS. DECORATE YOUR HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, EVEN THOUGH IT IS CURRENTLY JULY. MAKE SNOWMEN IN YOUR FRONT YARD USING STYROFOAM PACKING MATERIAL FROM ALL OF YOUR EBAY BEANIE BABY PURCHASES. LEAVE YOUR FREEZER DOOR OPEN. BETTER YET, LEAVE THE FREEZER DOOR OPEN AT ANYONE’S HOUSE YOU MIGHT VISIT. TELL THEM THAT IT IS FOR A GOOD CAUSE.  ALSO, THINK COLD THOUGHTS. FURTHERMORE, I THINK YOUR PROBLEM DEPENDS ON YOUR DEFINITION OF THE WORD “THE”.

GOOD LUCK,
GUZZI EARL


--- Anthony <aayjaybee@optusnet.com.au> wrote:

> Mr Whacko,
> G'day from Brisbane , Australia...
> l have recently purchased a 1979 V50. The bike spent most of its life in a farm shed... >and it shows. Red dust and dead weeds tangled through the frame and wheels...
> Yet it started second push-o-the button :) l want to transform 'her' into a cafe racer...
>
> So...
> Where on planet Earth can l obtain wire wheels that will go on ?
> What do you recommend in the way of fitting clipons?
> ls there a single seat available [even from another breed..] that will fit
> this bike?
>
> l eagerly await your sage like advice..
>Anthony.


HI ANTHONY. IF I HAVE SAID IT ONCE, I HAVE SAID IT A HUNDRED TIMES. A BIKE IS NOT COMPLETE UNTIL IT HAS A WELL PLACED MILK CRATE ON THE BACK OF IT. IT TAKES A BIT OF DETECTIVE WORK TO FIGURE OUT WHEN THE BACK OF THE QUIK MART IS UNGUARDED SO THAT YOU CAN GRAB A COUPLE CRATES AND MAKE A RUN FOR IT.  A DISCRIMINATING GUZZI OWNER WILL TAKE THE TIME TO PICK A MILK CRATE THAT MATCHES HIS BIKE’S PAINT JOB. IN SOME CASES, YOU CAN TAKE THE MILK CRATE TO YOUR PAINTER AND HAVE IT COLOR MATCHED TO YOUR BIKE, TOO. A REAL ENTERPRISING TYPE COULD PROBABLY FIT A MILK CRATE ON THE FRONT *AND* ON THE BACK OF THE BIKE. I WOULD CALL THAT A “TOURING PACKAGE”.  I’M NOT SURE IF YOU HAVE MILK CRATES IN AUSTRALIA, DUE TO THE PREDOMINANCE OF KANGAROOS AND KOALA BEARS. PERHAPS SOME ENTERPRISING INDIVIDUAL CAN IMPORT THEM AND MAKE A SMALL FORTUNE AND I CAN FILE SUIT AGAINST HIM AND RETIRE FROM QUICK MART SINCE I ORIGINATED THE IDEA.

AS FOR CLIP ONS, MY ONLY ADVICE IS TO SNEAK UP BEHIND THE HOG BEFORE YOU INSTALL THE CLIP ONS. THEN IT’S TOO LATE AND THE HOG’S SEX LIFE IS OVER, BUT THERE’S NOTHING HE CAN DO ABOUT IT. I TRIED THE OTHER METHOD WHERE YOU TELL THE HOG WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO DO, AND TELL HIM THAT IT’S FOR HIS BENEFIT AFTER ALL, AND TRY TO REASON WITH HIM. THOSE HOGS ARE SMART, THOUGH, AND THEY KNOW THAT YOU ARE UP TO SOMETHIN SNEAKY, AND IT DOESN’T USUALLY FLY. 

HAPPY DAYS,
GUZZI EARL

--- Julie Peregord <yo_mama03@hotmail.com> wrote:

> Greetings,
> I recently purchased a 2000 V11 sport.  While prowling around, poking at
> things and looking at how everything is connected and moves, I accidentally
> poked a rubber plug into the gearbox. (I've attached a picture.  It is the
> round black piece just above the part being called out by the letter 'C'.)
> I have two questions -
>
> 1.)  Is it dangerous to ride w/o getting that out?
> 2.)  How do I get it out??
>
> Thanks,
> Julie

ONE TIME I WAS PRETTY PLUGGED UP FROM EATING A POUND AND A HALF OF CHEESE WHIZ AND THREE BOWLS OF MACADAMIA NUTS IN ONE SITTING AND I HAD TO GO TO THE DOCTOR FOR A LITTLE PLUMBING WORK. THE DOCTOR’S TECHNIQUE UTILIZED A LONG, THIN TUBE FOR SUCTION, A DEVICE THAT LOOKED LIKE A TEST TUBE CLEANER, AND A BOWL OF LIME JELLO. THIS CULINARY ADVENTURE WAS VERY DANGEROUS AND I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND THAT YOU TRY IT AT HOME UNLESS YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL STUNT EATER. I DID THIS ON A DARE, AND IT WON ME A SLIGHTLY USED MULCHING LAWNMOVER WITH AN INTEGRAL CUP HOLDER FOR MY COORS LIGHT.  I HOPE THAT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION.

GUZZI EARL


--- Robyn Poschelk <poschelk@clockwork.com.au> wrote:

> Dear GuzziWacko, I have a 1991 Moto Guzzi1000S that I recently freshened
> up and now have a problem with clutch slipping. Do you think that a bit
> of warming up of the engine componentry might be to blame as the clutch
> plate was 85% good and the bike has only 65000k on the clock? I think
> the engine is up by about 25hp on original. Ideas?
>

I THINK YOUR BIKE MUST BE OVERWHELMED BY ALL THAT EXTRA POWER THAT YOU JUST FOUND. IN FACT, I SUGGEST YOU FIT SOME WHEELIE BARS AND PURCHASE A SET OF FRINGED GOLD LEATHERS AND ALLIGATOR BOOTS AND ATTEMPT TO JUMP ACROSS HOG PENS AND ROWS OF EL CAMINOS WITH YOUR GUZZI. YOU COULD BE THE NEXT REEBIL KANEEBIL. THEN I’LL SAY THAT I GAVE YOU THE IDEA TO PURSUE YOUR DREAM WHEN THEY INTERVIEW ME ON “DATELINE”. 

YOURS TRULY,
GUZZI EARL

--- neal.pritchard@kodak.com wrote:

> I have a 2000 V11 Basa (fuel injection) and am having a troubling problem
> with it cutting out. It ran fine for about 20 min. after I got it back
> from the dealers but it started cutting out periodically for a sec or two
> at 4000 rpm or above when I'm holding it at steady throttle. It seems to
> run fine when I accelerate or roll the throttle open. I have had the bike
> in a Guzzi dealer's shop for close to 4 weeks now. They can't find the
> problem either. They have replaced sensors with good ones they've checked
> the relays and even replaced the computer but the problem persists.
>
> Any suggestions? I need help!

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU MAY BE HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOUR POWER TRAIN. MAYBE HAVE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING TAKE A LOOK AT IT AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS WRONG. I USUALLY ASK TO SEE A MECHANICS TATTOOS BEFORE HE WORKS ON MY BIKE BECAUSE WHERE I COME FROM YOU CAN JUDGE A MAN BY HIS TATTOOS. THE ONLY COMPUTER I HAVE ON MY BIKES IS THE CALCULATOR I USE TO TRIANGULATE BETWEEN WAL MART LOCATIONS AND THE DELL LAPTOP I KEEP IN ONE OF MY SADDLE BAGS SO THAT I CAN PLAY TETRIS DURING LONG TRAFFIC JAMS.

BEST WISHES,
GUZZI EARL
1.17.07
--- pam dawes <p.h.dawes@w**.att.net> wrote:

> Howdy from SC. My 89 Mille GT has just finished a teardown and rebuild with a   RAM clutch and other mods. Been surfin' >for the correct way to set the clutch adjuster and cannot find any info. All work was done by me without a manual
> although I do wait until the wheels are in the wells before donning the blindfold. Besides, reading has always been an option >here in the South.
> Many thanks
>Joe

Guzzi Earl responds:

   WHEN I CLUTCH A RAM, I USUALLY GRAB IT BY THE HINDQUARTERS OR THE HORNS DEPENDING ON WHICH END I AM WORKING ON. THE FRONT IS DANGEROUS, BUT THE REAR CAN GET YOU, TOO, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. HA HA HA. I HAVENT TRIED IT WITH A BLINDFOLD, BUT I’M NOT SURE THAT THE RAM WOULD APPRECIATE IT, ESPECIALLY IF IT WAS A MALE RAM I WAS TRYING TO MILK. THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN ONE OF THESE DAYS. THAT’S WHAT I’VE SEEN ON BUMPER STICKERS, ANYWAY.
12.1.06
--- Nancy Kibbe <nkibbe@**.rr.com> wrote:

> Hey Bill:  David Kibbe here, from Chapel Hill.  I've been out of the  Guzzi scene for a year or so, mostly due to travel and >misguided  priorities.  However, I took my Quota to Michael's today, and saw  Dave Wilson, who told me where you are.
> Do you still live in Asheville?  Take care, DCK
>
Guzzi Earl responds:

DAVE?
DAVE'S NOT HERE.
IF YOU SEE BILL STOKES, PLEASE TELL HIM THAT GUZZI EARL SAYS HELLO. THANKS TO GUZZITECH'S COMPENSATION PACKAGE FOR MY SAGE ADVICE, I MANAGED TO QUIT MY JOB AT QUICK MART. PRIOR TO THIS, I WAS ALMOST 'LET GO' FOR OVERINDULGING IN THE FRONT COUNTER BEEF JERKEY. GOOD THING THEY DIDN'T FIND OUT ABOUT THE STOLEN LOTTERY TICKETS. TELL MICHAEL AND DAVE THAT I SAID TO GO AHEAD AND BUY THAT LEATHER JUMPSUIT WITH THE EMBROIDERED ROSES FOR ME LIKE THE ONES THAT THEY HAVE AND I WILL PAY THEM BACK THE NEXT TIME THAT I SEE THEM.
NO. DAVE'S NOT HERE.
11.17.06
--- ALAN ALAN <dogt**@mtnarea.net> wrote:

>  Hey Bill, I've got 3 guzzi's and two of them are the 96'sport 1100s,one an 71'Ambo".I'm curious has anybody been able to adapt >the later model (slicker) guzzi trans to an older mopdel? Are they completely different housings etc? Thanks ,Alan   
>
Guzzi Earl responds:

I WOULD TAKE THOSE THREE GUZZIS AND PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER TO MAKE ONE BAD ASS TRIKE. I GUESS YOU WOULD HAVE A FEW WHEELS AND TRANNYS LEFT OVER, SO YOU COULD PROBABLY MAKE A GUZZI POWERED MANURE SPREADER OR A GUZZI POWERED MOTORIZED TOILET OR SOME OTHER GREAT GUZZI ENDEAVOR. I HEAR THAT YOU CAN GET BIG BUCKS FOR SUCH DEVICES ON EBAY.
11.07.06
--- Grahame**ow@aol.com wrote:

> Okay wacko heres one for you. Ever heard of  any 1100 sport subframes fracturing? Screws up the  handling
> and throws you over the handlebars or is it likely to fracture after  its landed after throwing you over the bars - all at  20mph!
>
Guzzi Earl responds:

IT’S THE OLD QUESTION… WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE CHICKEN MCNUGGET ™. IF YOUR FRAME FEELS LIKE IT IS FRACTURING, I SUGGEST GOING TO SEE A GOOD CHIROPRACTOR. MINE DOES A REAL DOOSIE ON MY BACK, WHICH IS SHOT FROM HAULING ALL THOSE BUCKETS OF FISH HEADS FOR ALL THOSE YEARS. MY GUY HE GIVES MY BACK THE WORKS AND FINISHES IT UP WITH A FULL BODY SHAMPOO. ONE A MONTH, I HAVE HIM WAX MY BIKINI LINE, TOO. I USUALLY TIP HIM AN EXTRA $3 TO HELP PAY FOR THE TRUCK STOP STALL THAT HE OPERATES OUT OF. I ALSO SUGGEST THAT YOU RIDE FASTER THAN 20 MPH WHERE NOT PROHIBITED BY LAW.
10.13.06
--- broonie95 <broonie**@gmail.com> wrote:

> Earl
> I have an inactive V50 Mk2 (been off road for about 18mnths although started regularly) i started her today and noticed that I can see the left hand cylinder sparking where the exhaust fits to the block. Is there a gasket or some form of attatchment (apart from the collet) that may have come loose?
> Kenny Brown
> Dunfermline
> Fife
> Scotland
>
> Birthplace of Andrew Carnegie

Guzzi Earl responds:

INACTIVITY IS A MAJOR KILLER OF WHITE MALES AS WELL AS MOTO GUZZIS. IN ORDER TO COMBAT THIS SILENT KILLER, I ROTATE OF MY ARMS IN CIRCLES IN BETWEEN RERUNS OF "MASH" AND "TJ HOOKER" ON CHANNEL 23. THE GIRLS AT DICK'S TAVERN HAVE COMMENTED ON THE POSITIVE IMPROVEMENT THIS HAS HAD ON MY PHYSIQUE.

YOUR WELCOME.

GUZZI EARL
SHARON, PENSYLVANIA
USA
BIRTHPLACE OF "PORK RINDS"
10.13.06
-- mark dalton <markdalton**@hotmail.com> wrote:

> Hi Guzzi Wacko
>
> Could you elaborate on the benefits or otherwise of fitting a sump extension
> to my 1976 T3. Is it a worthwhile mod, do you need new sized sump bolts, new
> dip stick etc. Do you need to increase the amount of oil put into the sump?
> Thanks for any advice you can offer.
>
> Kind regards
>
> Mark Dalton  Leeds(Yorkshire)
>

Guzzi Earl
Responds:

MANY GUZZI RIDERS ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR EXTENDED SUMPS. IN FACT, I UNDERSTAND THAT THE GUZZITECH.COM SHIRTS IN XXL ARE THE MOST POPULAR SIZE. MOST OF THE EXTENDED SUMPS CAN BE ATTRIBUTED TO A DIET HIGH IN TRANS FATS AND CARBOHYDRATES SUCH AS WOULD BE FOUND AT GOLDEN CORRALL OR HOMETOWN BUFFET. I UNDERSTAND THAT THERE HAVE BEEN INSTANCES OF THESE FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENTS DENYING SERVICE TO MOTO GUZZI RIDERS OF THIS PROPORTION IN LIGHT OF THE LOSING ECONOMIC PROPOSITION THAT AN “ALL YOU CAN EAT” OPPORTUNITY AFFORDS. I RECOMMEND A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT BE PREPARED IN ACCORDANCE WITH COMMON LEGAL PRACTICES AND INCORPORATED IN THE STATE OF DELAWARE. I WOULD LIKE TO DRAW ATTENTION TO “EXHIBIT A”, YOUR HONOR, A HALF EATEN PLATE OF FRIED CHICKEN, BEANS AND MASHED POTATOES. MMMMMM. I LOVE MASHED POTATOES.

ALTHOUGH THEIR SUMPS ARE KNOWN TO BE OVERSIZED, I CAN ENSURE YOU THAT GUZZI RIDERS’ DIPSTICKS ARE AS LONG OR LONGER THAN RIDERS OF ANY OTHER MARQUE, AS I HAVE SHARED HOTEL ROOMS AND PUBLIC SHOWERS WITH MANY GUZZI GUYS, BUT I’M NOT GAY. I DO, HOWEVER, RECOMMEND AN INCREASE IN OIL AMOUNT, ESPECIALLY OF THE POLYUNSATURATED VARIETY SUCH AS OLIVE OR VEGETABLE OIL. ANOTHER BENEFIT IS THAT YOU CAN RE-USE THIS OIL AND RUN IT IN YOUR HYDROGEN POWERED BIO DEISEL MOTO GUZZI USING SOLAR POWER AND WILLIE NELSON WILL PERSONALLY GIVE YOU A THUMBS UP. THANK YOU FOR YOUR FINE QUESTION. YOUR WELCOME.
8.26.06 A Follow-Up
Geoff's Lemans
--- Geoff and Mida Williams <geoffandmida@xtra.co.nz> wrote:

> Hey Earl
>
> my 78 le mans has new geuine inlet rubbers on 36 pumpers and new round K &
> N's but for some reason the left one touches my new powder on the frame is
> there a differance between left and right rubbers?.
>
> Like you I am not the youngest of guzzisti so during rebuild i fitted a pair
> of Jota adjustable bars. Now it would seem I need a longer throttle cable for
> the left side about 4 inches would be nice which model guzzi cable is going
> to fit. When I replace the cable I will send you the old one for your Banjo
>
> Il mio Moto Guzzi non ha filleti sconscuiti e vibra con piacere ogni volta
> chei tramite un piedino sopra!
>
> Geoff
>
> Manawatu
> New Zealand

Guzzi Earl responds:

HI AGAIN, GEOFF. THE RIGHT RUBBER GOES ON THE RIGHT FOOT, AND THE LEFT RUBBER GOES ON THE LEFT FOOT. I TAKE A MAGIC MARKER AND WRITE R AND L ON MY RUBBERS TO MAKE THIS DISTINCTION. I ALSO MARK THE TOPS OF MY FEET IN THE SAME WAY TO DRIVE THE POINT HOME. IN CASE YOU ARE WONDERING, THE RUBBERS ARE FOR WHEN I HAVE TO WORK ON THE 72 ELDORADO THAT I KEEP IN THE SOMETIMES MUDDY HOG PEN CAUSE I RAN OUTTA ROOM FOR MOTORCYCLES IN THE GARAGE, THE QUONSET HUT, THE SHED, THE BACK PORCH ADDITION, THE LIVING ROOM AND THE BATHROOM.  I GOT A LOTTA BIKES.

I HAVE JOETA BARS, TOO. THEY WERE TOO STUBBY AND SHORT SO I ASKED JOE TA WELD SOME PULLBACK BARS ON EM FOR ME. NOW I CAN LEAN BACK AND REST ON MY MILK CRATE REAR RACK AND ENJOY THE SCENERY WHILE I RIDE.

I WAS NOT AWARE THAT NEW ZEALAND’S NATIVE LANGUAGE LOOKED A LOT LIKE ITALIAN.

THAT’S A VERY NICE BIKE YOU GOT THERE. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED ADDING SOME FLOORBOARDS AND A NICE WINDJAMMER TO OUTFIT IT FOR THE LONG HAUL? I THINK IT WOULD LOOK REAL NICE. MY BUDDY DAVE DOWN THE STREET MAY BE SELLING HIS WINJAMMER IF YOU ARE INTERESTED. IT IS BLUE WITH YELLOW HIGHLIGHTS AND HES NOT USING IT BECAUSE HIS DOCTOR WONT LET HIM RIDE WITH BOTH PROSTHESIS NO MORE. LET ME KNOW.

YOUR GUZZI BUDDY
GUZZI EARL.
8.20.06
--- Geoff and Mida Williams <geoffandmida@xtra.co.nz> wrote:
> hey guzziwhacko
>
> i know that everyone and his dog fits suzuki front ends but i like to be a bit different. i want to fit a Honda front fork hopefully from a CB1000, i recall reading that it is based on a RC30 - VFR750R front fork if its good enough for Fred Merkal its good enough for me. what do you reckon. I have a couple of 1" and 2" slabs of alluminium itching to be triple clamps.
>
> why do my home made rear sets change gear better than anything bought over the counter.
>
> Moto Guzzi Lavora la perseveranza di motocicletta corre la squadra
>
> New Zealand

Guzzi Earl Responds:

YEAH, THEM JAPANESE IS PRETTY GOOD WITH FORKS AND KNIVES. I GOT ME A SET OF EM ON CABLE TV AT TWO AM FOR THIRTY NINE DOLLARS ABOUT FIVE YEARS BACK AND THEY STILL WORK GOOD.

AS FOR THOSE ITCHY SLABS, YOU NEED TO GET YOU SOME GOLD BOND POWDER FROM YOUR PHARMACIST. I USE IT ON MY THIGHS AND BUTTOCKS WHEN I STRAP ON MY LEIDERHOSEN BEFORE A HOT DANCIN DATE.

REGARDING REAR SETS, I KEEP MY REAR SET DOWN ON A CUSTOM SADDLE THAT MY UPHOLSTERER JETHRO WHIPPED UP FOR ME IN EEL SKIN. IT REQUIRED A PLASTER CAST OF MY BUTTOCKS TO GET RIGHT, AND I STILL FIND GRAVEL IN MY CRACK OCCASIONALLY, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. I AINT LIKE THEM DAMN KIDS DOIN STUNTS AND DANCIN ON THEIR GAS TANKS WHEN THAY DRIVIN DOWN THE FREEWAY. YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR REAR SET DOWN, TOO, SON. ID GIVE YOU JETHROS NUMBER BUT HE AINT TAKIN NO INCOMING CALLS EXCEPT FOR TWENTY MINNITS A WEEK WHEN THEY LET HIM OUT HIS CELL.

MOTO GUZZI LAVATORY PRESERVER SQUIRREL CORE TO YOU TO MY MAN.

GUZZI EARL
*************Below are older inquiries to The Guzzi Wacko, answered by Guzzimoto, AKA Mr. Bill Stokes. ********
7.1.06
Ambo Red Light Speezial Shocker!

> I was loosening the connections on my battery the other day to clean off some corrosion build-up and the wrench touched the frame >and the  positive side of the battery at the same time.  I realized shortly after this that the generator light on the headlight assembly >was on even though my ignition key was in the off position.  I went out and bought a new voltage regulator and hooked it up per the >instructions. The generator light comes on now when the key is in the on position.  The light goes off after the bike is running at an >idle, but if I rev the bike the generator light brightens.  Do you have any idea what's going on?
>
> Bill and Christal Duyungan

Jesus Christy'al and Bill too do I know what's going on? Heckles yeah, you're talkin' to GUZZIMOTO!!!  Eclectictricity is only but one of my many varied expertises. Know how??? Darn right brown cow. Why, did you know that a bagel toaster thrown into a bathtub of
on-tap water will not have the desired effect unless it is plugged in to a 110 volt no-grounds-for-it's-your-fault outlet?  (I didn't and she called the law on me...)

Let's do some tests... First off, are the spark plugs in upside down?
Now, the rear shocks, are they 110v ore 220v?

OK, now let's check the polarity, look at the navigation system (handle bar mounted compass). Does it point to magnetic north or
Santa's Workshop?

Lastly, are your ground effects effectively grounded?

Guzzimoto detects a burnt out rectumfire plate.

Glad I could help...

I've got your number, Call me sometime...

Guzzimoto    O U T
> To: guzziwacko@guzzipower.com
> From: James Stolo <j***@earthlink.net>
> Subject: 850 T3 HELP!!!!
> Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2006 22:24:52 -0400
>
> Guzzi Wacko,
>
> What type of engineering degree do you need to service the air filter/ cleaner assembly? Are there any tricks to doing this without major disassembly and aggravation? Is there an after-market alternative to this? Any help is greatly appreciated.
>
> Thanks,
> James Stolo

James,

If you haven't earned an advanced engineering degree the the field of HVAC&F (Heating, Ventilation and Cooling + Filtration), the simple task of servicing the atmospheric scrub / cleanse ozone atomizer unit that proceeds the Del
Lorto Air / fuel mix'um  upper devices that preps the whole shooting match for the combustion chambre and ka - bootle jugs, the mysterious source of the misunderstood forward locomotion effect.... Dude,  I think I'm in over my head on this one.

You better call an engineer.

Or,  try K & N air filtration thing -a - ma - bobs

Guzzimoto, I O H H... blowin' bubbles
6.1.06


>> As one falling back into the fold, ex 125 single, ex Royale owner, I
>> have just acquired (access, at least.!!) to what I think is a 250
>>Falcone, flat single. She is in amazing condition & seems to run well, but there is slop in the front wheel bearing & laterally, the fork sliders. Before I  start pulling things apart, is there any sort of manual available? Even if  in Italian, although I don't speak Italian, my neighbour IS Italian.....
>>
>Any help, gratefully received,
>>
>>
>>
>> Laurie

Gee wiz... Can I just call you Larry?

First, the bike you have acquired access to is a without a doubt a  250 cc Moto Guzzi Areone or "Weeny Slicer" as it is humorously referred to. (1955 model)

This bike is the baby brother of the 500 cc Falcone "Baloney Slicer".

Since you don't really own this bike, just ride the piss out of it until the wheel bearing seizes or you get title.

Secondly, just because your "neighbor" has a hairy back, owns a cappuccino machine and gets more ass than a toilet seat does not necessarily mean he's bona fide Italian, much less, converses in Italian.

Though I sometimes struggle with the English language, I'm quite flatulent in Italian.

EXAMPLE:

"come un cad nuovamente dentro popolare, ex 125 singolo, ex Royale proprietario, io appena acquist (accesso, minimo!!) to a che cosa io pens un 250 Falcone, pianamente singolo.  Lei stup circostanza & sembr per funzion bene, ma ci slop anteriore rotella cuscinetto & laterale, forcella cursore.  Prima che io cominci separ cosa apart, ci qualsiasi ordinamento manuale disponibile?  Anche se in italiano italian, anche se io non parl italiano, mio vicino italiano.....

  C'è ne aiut, riconoscente ricev,

  Laurie

That was your question expertly translated to Italian.

To discover if your neighbor speaks "God's Language", ask him this question...

  "Vostro moglie seno e natica captivate mio mente, volontà lei effettu un giro ballo per me?"

If he whacks you with a fist full of hairy knuckles, best bet he talks Italian...

Ciao,

Guzzimoto
> Kia Ora from the Land Of The Long white Cloud
>
> I am now running bt45s front and rear on my 78 Le Mans any idea of
tyre
> pressures for the more sporting rider
>
> Geoff Williams

Greetings and salutations to you Getoff from the the Land of the Long White Line on the Mirror!

I once dated a stripper named Kia Ora.  Thinking back, she did look good coming and going.

You question is a very good question yet a very tricky question. It’s my specialty, you know.

Guzzimoto hates to let the air out of your tyres, but... If you are as you imagine and describe yourself... A "Sporting Man", then the BS BT45s are exactly the wrong tyre for you.

I'm not going to banter back and forth with you asking how it was that you settled on "battle axes" as we call BT 45s, my second grade teacher and my X-wife here in the states, because… I already know!

My  "dangerous showboating" style of riding is well known on both sides of the Mississippi all the way to the salty stuff.  I've been hangin' my ass off Tonti frame Guzzis for pert near almost 30 years and I will never, never run BTs again...

Why, do you know for almost the same money you can be riding on the same tyres as Guzzimoto?

PIRELLI SPORT DEMONS

Do I work for Pirelli? No, but Pirellis work for me.

I don't have a Battle Ax to grind with Bridgestone, but...

I know my rubber, my tyres are made by Pirelli and my condoms are my from the intestinal membrane of a lamb.

So, my friend, since I can't endorse BT 45s, I certainly can not in good conscience prescribe or even suggest a recommended PSI.

You may try asking "Skid” Mark Tenney.  (barmar@mindspring.com ) I know he slides around on BTs from time to time.

Ride safe,

Guzzimoto   O U T
5.22.06
Hey!!!  Guzzi Wacko!!!

Or do I call you Guzzimoto? I'm confused.

When I wrote Ann Landers about warm beer and wet dreams, I called her Annie.  She liked that.  Annie...

I have a scientific question to which all Goose Riders want a scientific answer.

These days it seems all my friends are hanging off when they ride around corners.

“What’s so important about hanging off?”

“Does hanging off provide a real scientifically supported advantage, or is hanging off just dangerous showboating best left to expert show-off riders like you?” If you see me hanging off you can bet I'm farting.

Thanks,
Gassin' it through the Curves and All other Goose Riders


A: Goosietenicia,

Geometrically speaking, if you rode around it, was it a corner or a radius?  Perhaps this is why one must "negotiate" a corner, the result of said compromise being referred to in geometric nomenclature as the haikupotomus of an a angle, or in common-man speak - "simple rounding of the corner".  Just like in the gentleman's game of billiards and the common man's game of pool, geometry (radei, anglei, and plannes) are essential, as are the forces of alcohole and englishe (hanging off).

Professior Confoundus Guzzimoto Ameritous
Subject: My T3
To: guzziwacko@guzzipower.com

Well, this is exciting, my first time writing to the Guzzi Wacko.  Bless your heart, I hope you can help.

  I have a 1978 T3 FB that I purchased new, really.  It was a beautiful day in July, 1978.  I traded my Eldorado for it. In the last year it has been completely gone through, frame off, painting, keeping the original look with a few of my own extras.  A deeper paint job, extra chrome, that kind of stuff.  She's looking very cool and purring like a
big cat. I bought a 1975 T with 10,000 miles on it that I was using
for a parts bike that had not been running in a long time, but most of my bike is original.
   I am having a problem though.  Upon my first test drive I found
that it wont go into 4th and 5th gear.  When it gets to 3rd, it stops, it wont go any farther.   I press the heel shifter and it's wont move.  It downshifts fine but just stops after 3rd gear.  Any ideas?  I need to go faster.Thank you Mr Wacko.

  Bruce

A:Bruce,

First, never BS a BS’er.

Guzzimoto has been doing this for a long time and for you to think you can just fire off a poorly conceived deceitful little riddle prefaced with a suck up "bless your heart" really gets you started off on the wrong foot of the bedside.  Additionally, your "purrs like a big cat" analogy is nothing more than a big pile of kitty litter cliche you must have read somewhere.

Your question contains slivers of possibilities...  This is my best guess as to where the truth lies...

You recently purchased on ebay two 850 T parts bikes from my friends at
Partitout.com.  One bike was a 1975 850 T, the other a 1978 T3 FB. 
You cobbed together from these two bikes one "beater" that you painted with spray cans of Glossy Blue paint and re- chromed the chrome parts with Chrome - N - A - Can.  You then shod the poor beast with Bridgestone Baddle Axes.

Your shifting problem lies in the fact that you used the FB tranny. 
Everyone (except you) knows the FB designation stands for Fabio Boremenelli.

Fabio Boremenelli, may he rest in peace, was a parking enforcement officer with the Rome Police Dept.  On December 18, 1977, as he was writing a ticket for Harley chopper parked under one of Rome's famed coconut palms, a rock star (Keith Richards) fell from the tree killing Fabio almost instantly.  (It seems Keith was celebrating his birthday and found himself nuts up a tree.)  To honor Fabio, Guzzi produced a limited number of "FB" Ts with 3 speed transmissions for Rome's elite parking enforcement squadron.  It seems the good folks at Guzzi reckoned this elite force of meter maids only needed three gears to scooter around writing parking tickets.

It appears you foolishly installed the FB transmission, so no matter
how hard or how many times you try for that elusive 4th and 5th gear...
You'll never find them!!!  Ha! Ha! Ha!

I also have very serious doubts that you need to go faster.

Guzzimoto  O U T
Q:Yo! Wacko Daddy - O !

I am like trying to resurrect an Eldo police bike and am trying to
find the airhorns that screw into the backs of the carbs. This would be the section between the carburetor and the rubbah airbox booty. Can anyone point me in the direction of a pair?  I want to be "honkin' it" through the curves like the horn section in the second line of "Dixie Land Funeral" by Chuck E. Weiss and the Goddamn Liars, ASAP.

Thanks way in advance for your help, Hep Cat.

Don - O just turned 5 - 0

:Horns, honkers, woofers, hooters, wonkers, boomers, bugles, trumpets
and trombones.

There's a big brass band cornucopia of names aplenty when referring to
the instruments you're trying to meet up with.  They're offered in a variety of diameters and a diverse assortment of bell flares, the combination of which you seek will depend on the sound you want to call all your own, if you're catchin' my draft.  The horns you blow, in concert with the cam and waste pipes you blast can fine tune the nuance of any given style that is all you, baby.

For a way different sound effect, try rappin' on one with maple sticks
like Mr. Waits does in "Sixteen Shells from a Thirty-ought Six" ...

Yeah...  I do so want to groove on this elderly fuzz scoot when you're done havin' your Bride of Frankenstein way with her, cat daddy!

Guzzimoto   WAY O U T
3.20.06
A Recent Response...
My Dearest Jim, James, Osama or who knows who you really are,

The kind staff at GuzziTech solicited my expertise, coupled with my sense of humor and willingness to break away from my highly classified job involving things you don't need to know about in order to help you identify your old rusty old motorbike.

I am, as usual, Johnny O. T. Spot. (not my real name)

My contact at GuzziTech who I know only as Ed, described your situation as "Mysterious, needs to be solved ASAP"

I sent my weasel to collect the clues you had provided, which it turns out was nothing more than the following email.

From: "James Allen" <JDUB****@localnet.com>
>> To: <guzziwacko@guzzipower.com>
>> Subject: mystery moto guzzi
>> Date: Sun, 26 Feb 2006 00:21:58 -0500
>>
>> I am looking for some help to identify a older moto guzzi I have.  I beleive it is a 1965 and it appears to be a 125 cc.  >>the only numbers I could find was on the frame were the frt forks mounted it was  on top   "motto guzzi t 95gn" than uder that was '1gm227 om"  there was somethin stamped between the "7 and 0" but could not make it out.
>> any help would be appreciated.  this bike has basically just sat in storage the last 25 years. and is in good shape except >>for rust in gas tank.
>>
>>     Thanks  jim a

Ed, not being schooled in the business of huggermugger and skullduggery , had been "oblivious to the obvious".

However, it was instantly transparent to me this is not a request to ID an old rusty motorbike, but a thinly veiled coded communication.

RED FLAGS

#1 You did not send any images (pictures) to help us in the ID process.

#2 You did not send a rust sample from the interior of the fuel cell for analysis through our carbon dating and escort service.

#3 The phrases "I beleive it is" and "it appears to be" are as vague as a perfectly "scuffed in" set of Bridgestone BTs in moderate curves. - No value in the ID process.

#4 Misspellings, improper grammar and missing letters (beleive, motto, frt, uder, somethin, - "shall I continue?") give us little confidence that the frame stamping info you are providing is correct.  If you really were trying to id a bike, these mistakes would not be "scattered about" the stamping info, creating confusion and clutter.

#5 You state the bike has been in storage for 25 years is in good shape except for rust in the tank.  Impossible.  Sitting for 25 years creates a list of problems you would not understand because you don't even own a motorbike.

#6 I printed your email and held it up to a mirror.  I saw the name Tizzug Ottom.  Sheik Tizzug Ottom is first cousin to O. B. L., and a principal financier to his cause.  This looks like a letter requesting additional funds.  My Contacts at "No Such Agency" agree and you have their full attention.

It looks like you may get a free trip to GITMO.

Of course, if you've done nothing, the free attorneys on staff there will have this cleared up in no time at all.

Oh, and if that is the case, you most likely have a 1965 Moto Guzzi Stornello 125cc

The Stornello came in four configurations:

Stornello 125

Stornello  Sport

Stornello  Sport  Americana

Stornello  Scrambler

It's one of these or you're a freakin' terrorist.

Guzzimoto O U T
Here's one from the vault [-Ed the ed.]:

Q: *** took her bike for a ride the other day only to come home with a plastic grocery bag stuck on the muffler. Without scratching, how do I get this mess off ? I haven't had to do this in a really long time...........Thanks.

The Guzzi Wacko responds:
I was giving an inflatable love doll a ride home from a party one night and the ol' girl failed to keep her feet on the pegs like I tol' her to do....The pipes are stainless so I just burnt what wuz left of her feet off the pipes then re-polished them.  It's needless to say by the time we got to my crib she wuz in no mood for hanky panky.  I put a tourniquet on each leg just above the ankle, hooked her up to the air compressor and her attitude improved dramatically.The moral of  this story is: "Always check your air pressure before going on a ride."

Guzzimoto   O U T
Q: "Dear Guzzi Wacko.

I have a pristine V7sport with 250 miles on it in original condition with original tires and paint. It even has what appears to be a real Italian booger purported to have escaped from the nose of Guiseppe Linguini, 70's Guzzi factory paint spray booth manager, embedded in the tank paint. Will it decrease the bike's value if I change out the stock 35 year old tires with original italian air in them for something more modern?"

A:
Dear Curiously Cautious,

You have presented me with an excellent question that warrants a no / yes answer. Bear with me as I elaborate. 
The 250 mile odometer reading has no value as I'm sure you plan on riding this bike regularly.  The value placed on the old rubber is a personal issue.  For instance, if you like unpredictable handling, poor braking and the occasional wash out resulting in anything from road rash to broken bones, then only you can assign the value.

The classic Italian air in those old tires is where some real value   resides that can only be measured in PSI.  Anyone outside of the
Bush administration knows the air quality of 2006 is a bit different than 1973.  The high level of greenhouse gasses found in contemporary air tends to rot rubber tubes and tires from the inside out, so beware. Castrol has just added a compressed air blend product to their Castrol Classic line.  Check it out at
www.castrol.com .

Additionally, as we approach the midterm elections anticipate long lines at the air pumps as Washington's demand exceeds supplies of compressed  air across the country. Compressed air is a strategic gas needed for blowing smoke up the a** of the American electorate.

Now about that "booger".  I thought for years that I too had a coveted "Linguini Booger" situated at 5:00 just below my filler cap.  While at a rally on the east coast, a collector that goes by the name Mr. *blank* offered me "stupid money" for the tank even though I assured him the booger was no longer edible. However, looking back I think that booger was just an unfortunate moth drawn to the painting booth lights...

If value is your main worry, grind the ridges off the transmission, paint the frame red, the tank and tool boxes green, advertise it on
ebay and watch the fun.

Good luk,

Guzzimoto
Q: "Dear Guzzi Wacko
My Harley riding friends call my bike a "Moto Skuzzy" and leave puddles of olive oil under my EV1100. How can I gain their respect?

A:
Dear Mr. Dangerfield

If my sources are correct:...

You refer to their motorbikes as "big, clumsy, over rated, under engineered, over priced p***y wagon pieces of crap-cycles".

You refer to them as Village People when they arrive dressed up as  that guy in leather from The Village People.

To make matters worse, you arrived at their Halloween party dressed as that guy from The Village People wearing a leather cap, a leather vest, fake chest hair, a leather thong with chrome studs, leather chaps, leather gloves with the fingers cut off and a fake tattoo on your arm that proclaimed "I love Big Twins" with two identical fat ladies tattooed just under the announcement.  You also had a boom box that played "Macho Man" over and over and over and over as you spasmodically humped the air and at times the
hostess's leg.

You invite them on a Sunday morning ride.  When they arrive at your house you wait until they knock on your door and then say things like "I'll be just a minute, I didn't hear you pull up".

Once you're on the road you blast away in the curves and then email   them when you get back home - "What happened?"

Why should you have their respect?

They don't have yours.

Guzzimoto